Returning and leaving

I booked a flight to visit my college town in October, thinking that would be the next time I came back for a visit. I didn't realize how hard it would be to stay away while I still had so much connecting me to the city. So, I booked a flight to come out for a few days to see the man I love as well as some great friends who have impacted my life in a truly wonderful way. Being back feels so natural and so normal even though I have been done since June. It's amazing how after spending four years in a place can make such a large impact on your life. You don't realize how much college has changed you until you leave I suppose.
Before getting to Flagstaff, I flew over San Francisco and thought: "this is home! It's such a gorgeous city". Then as we were flying into Phoenix, it was a different thought: "I can't believe this isn't home anymore". It was hard for me to think that I don't have much connecting me to the city anymore and that I can no longer call it my home. But then... I stepped off the plane to 106 degrees and I didn't miss it much! Getting on the plane to Flagstaff was strange. I didn't know what to expect. I was unsure if it was going to be hard or easy to come back and visit. It is weird to be back and have a few people not here, but it feels extremely natural to me. Which I believe makes it harder because now I have to say good-bye again until next month and the first time was already difficult.
With my vacation coming to an end, I am having so many mixed emotions. I am not ready to leave because Benjamin is here and it has been nice to have that "college student" lifestyle again; but I do know that I have a life waiting for me in San Francisco. With an interview coming up I have more to look forward to than just going back to my part-time job. I know that I have a purpose to being in California instead of doing what was easy and comfortable to stay in Flagstaff. Returning to Flagstaff has been amazing and has reminded me why I loved college here so much, but leaving is going to be almost unbearable. At least I know there is a next time quickly approaching.

The ups and downs.

I have an interview coming up next week! Finally! Well, technically it's the second interview, which makes it even better! Things are slowly starting to fall together. I had these unrealistic goals for myself and when I think back on them now, they sure do seem crazy! But now that I have something promising, I can't help but being so excited; although, I am trying not to get hopes up because it is the worst feeling to think that something is happening and being let down. Through my major, one of the best pieces of advice I learned it that in PR, you have to have thick skin and be able to hear "no" and "it's not right" or "re-do it" just because your superior doesn't like it. After hearing that and knowing that there is nothing I would rather be doing, I made a huge change in myself and I can hear the word no without a problem; but I want this so badly, a no would be crushing. I have such huge plans and goals for myself and I was hoping to be farther along with that goal. I know I have been in California for just over two months and that is not much time to expect as much as I was for myself. I hear the same advice, the same expectations and words of wisdom. Finding a job and growing up now is so much different than it was just 5 years ago. Life is unpredictable and I am giving it all I have. I am exhausted and worn out but I wouldn't take any of it back. Things would have been easier and less complicated if I would have done what was convenient, routine, or comfortable. But where's the fun or thrill in that? My life is so much more than routine and I refuse to get stuck in a routine.
As much as I am looking forward to this interview and secretly hoping that it goes well and I land the position, I will not flaunt my excitement. Things happen for a reason and when you fail at one thing, it is because there is something better. I know that I am still young and growing and learning. I am figuring out who I am, what I want/need and what is best for me. Even though I know what some of those things are for certain, there are other things that will continuously change throughout my life. I have to take one day at a time and never expect too much but also believe in myself. Setting unrealistic goals will almost always lead to disappointment. Set your goals to be achievable and when you exceed more, it will be much more rewarding. Hope for the best, expect the worst, know you are capable of anything.
"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

When the going gets tough...

The tough get going... Or so they say (whoever "they" is). We all make choices in life, whether they are big or small, they define who we are. You have the small daily choices and the big decisions that come rarely, but those big events that come to us every once in a while are the things that truly test who we are and what we can withstand. I feel like I have had to make a lot of big decisions recently that have tested me emotionally, spiritually and even physically in the not so literal sense. I moved my entire life to a new place that I have known for more than a couple weeks at a time. In that move I left huge parts of myself behind. I've never felt so alone. I left friends, family and the person I love all in the hope to make a better life for not only myself, but for that man as well. I'm trying to start things for myself so when he gets here, things will be easier and we won't be going through the same hardships simultaneously. Whether I made the right choice at that moment is still unknown and only time will tell if it is. For everything that I believe in and hope for I want nothing more than for this decision that I am constantly accepting and battling to be the right one. Life will throw us horrible things sometimes and how we choose to deal with them will separate the fighters from the people who choose the easy path that end up unhappy because they decided to give up on what could have been. I am a fighter. I will give my all. I will succeed.
Nothing I have had to deal with in my life so far has been this difficult but I know that because of this I will be a stronger and better person. I do believe that love conquers all. True love will fight and will survive. In all honesty I believe that what I have now will survive. There are feelings that are indescribable in the best way possible. I am working for us and to make this easier for him when he does finally get here also. It's hard to understand from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out, there is nothing I would rather be doing because I know in my heart this is what I want. We make our own happiness and I need to remember that. I am doing now what will make me happiest later. Although there is sadness now, happiness will be the final result.
With a part-time job to make some money now and an interview coming up, things are finally starting to look up. I keep going through every day with my chin up and an optimistic outlook, because if we don't have faith in ourselves, what do we have faith in? Things will work out for me, for us, because whatever He has in store for me, I know it is what is meant to be. Even though now is hard, it is because He knows that I can handle the hard times and can make it through this. Keep fighting. Stay strong. Never give up.

Staying Positive

It's difficult to stay positive when you have been on the search for the perfect job for 2 months with little success. I have sent out countless resumes, which is a job in itself, and have not received much feedback. I know that I am capable of finding my dream job in this amazing city and I know that it will turn up; it's frustrating though that it hasn't already. I got a part-time job at at froyo shop just across the street which is good just to occupy some time and to make a little cash (since my finds are running extremely low). I enjoy it a lot, it reminds me of my time at Carrabba's which was one of my favorite jobs other than my internship. So although I am still looking for a career-type job, this is proving to work well for me now!
On a better note, my birthday is in less than two weeks! I will be turning 22 and even though there isn't much exciting about that age, it's still a birthday; and let's be honest... who doesn't love birthday's?! For my birthday, my wonderful boyfriend is flying out to spend six days here and the family, Benjamin and I are going up to Napa for a few days of relaxing, good food and wine tasting! Then back to the city for some touristy stuff and a beach day! I can't even explain how excited I am to have him here with me, even if it's just for a few days. :)
I wish I had more exciting things going on to write about but sometimes there just aren't words to describe feelings. I through stages of happiness when I am spending time with my family, when I am outdoors or talking to friends. But also times of loneliness when i think about everyone I left behind in Arizona. The adjustment of the move has really been sinking in lately. I know that moving out here is what was best for me and I truly am loving my time here but I do miss how things used to be when I was living in Flagstaff with my best friends. I miss my girlfriends, some of the best friends I've ever made and who I still talk to regularly that can always make me smile. I miss my boyfriend who's been there for me, seen me at my best, my worst and my craziest, and still loves me all the same. We can't always change the circumstances of a situation, but we can change our attitude. Staying positive, no matter how hard it can be sometimes, is my only option and how I choose to go through my day.

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude"

I came across this quote today and it really made me sit and question my own attitude about everything I am struggling with right now. So, I don't yet have a job, I don't have many friends here, I am BROKE and I had to leave some amazing people back in Arizona. While none of these things are necessarily positive, the way I look at them could be changed. I don't have a job, but that means that I have my last summer break. I don't have many friends here, but I have time to myself to reflect and also have the opportunity to make new ones. I don't have money... I suppose I can understand what it's like to live without luxury? ( I think any way you look at not having money it's pretty negative). I left great people back home, but now when I get to visit, it will make our time together that much more special.
Our outlook on life can be so clouded by what we are taught and see as "right." Everybody's definition of what we are supposed to do and how we are supposed to live varies and we can live for no one but ourselves. Every person should stop and think about what they are doing and say "who is this for? Am I doing this for me, or the people I surround myself with?" Nobody is perfect, we all have our flaws, but it is something that we have lived with so far and look at how far we have come with those so-called flaws. Whether you aren't smart enough, aren't tall enough, aren't athletic, have health problems... You are still here and doing what you can with what you are given. I believe we are made imperfect so we can strive to be a better person. We work hard to make money, make money to live and live for happiness. It comes around full circle and in the end have to work where makes us happy. I am working harder than I have have to find a job and it's not easy. Sending out resumes every day. Changing my cover letter to conform to the company I am applying with. Checking my e-mail daily with fingers crossed. It's stressful, it's tiring, it's frustrating and it's a lot of work; but I know my hard work will pay off because I will find a job that makes me happy, so I can make money and live. Happiness comes from sharing your struggles, good times, laughter and love with people who support you and love you unconditionally. I am blessed to have those people in my life.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. -Dr. Suess

A continuation.

Moving to a new city is challenging. Of course it helps to have family and friends who are there to make it easier, but going somewhere new with no real direction, no job and none of the familiarity of previous years can be terrifying. I wake up every day and put a smile on my face and a mask of confidence to face the world and say "no I am not afraid" but in reality, that mask is what is hiding me from the truth. Every night I get ready for bed and think about what I have accomplished that day: I have looked and applied for multiple jobs unsuccessfully, I have read up about current happenings in the world, I have found more love in my heart than I knew possible for a man who swept me off my feet and I have become even more afraid of the future. Each day I find more jobs that I think could be interesting and that I could like well enough... but I'm not sure if that's what I want to settle for. Yes, I would love to have a career type of job, but settling for something has never been more forte. Now I think maybe I should get a few jobs at local places as a waitress, receptionist, whatever I can find and save money to travel the world in about a year. I don't need to stay in extravagant hotels, eat at the fanciest restaurants and do the most outrageous things. I would be happy going with someone I love and trust, a backpack, camera and some change in my pocket. (I have a theory that this way, you will get the most genuine and real experiences in countries from the most intriguing people.) Plans change, people change and everything you expected can change in the drop of a hat. Moving has been the best thing I could have done for myself. I am starting to realize who I am, what I want and what I need. I can't live for other people anymore. As much as I love to see others happy, making myself happy has to come first. Those who are still here for me understand why I am doing this and those who do not agree... well I'm probably better off without them. I truly value the people who are supporting and helping me through this journey. While I am still figuring out what I want to do, I am finding myself, and I couldn't be more scared and excited at the same time.

New city. New life. New me.

As I was getting closer to graduation in May I had a big decision to make in a short period of time. "What next?" was all that was running through my head. I could stay in Phoenix; a city that I have never had much love for, despite the family and friends there (not to mention my mom was moving anyway). Move to the Seattle area with my mom; but still be outside of the city by an inconvenient amount of time. Or move to the San Francisco area with my dad. While those were my three main options, I also had to keep my sights open to any job opening in any part of the country... because let's be honest, in this economy you can't be too picky. Every day I had to consider my options: what is best for me, where will I be happiest, where will I thrive? With each of those questions the same answer kept coming up. San Francisco. Ever since I was little, I have been visiting this city a few times a year and each time, my love for the city grew. There hasn't been one time where I've looked out at the city and not fallen more in love with it. There is something so special about the city that is incomparable to anything I've ever experienced. From the people, to the culture, the uniqueness, the history, the rush, the constant noise and the love that everybody has for the city for their own different reasons, I knew that one day I would end up in this city. Whether it was now or a few years down the road when I wasn't happy anywhere else, San Francisco is my true home. Each time I look out at the city it brings a smile to face, a pep in my step and joy to my heart. Despite what people have said to try to convince me to stay and not move away, I know that I would be unhappy anywhere else. Sure it might have been easier to find a job in another city where I had more connections, yeah it would have been MUCH cheaper in other cities, ok I don't know many people here and yes, I would have to start everything new from scratch, but until you find the same love for a place that I have for San Francisco, you will never understand why I needed to do this. The people who truly love and care for me have been supportive and helpful through the process and it has opened my eyes to what separates a true friend from a good acquaintance. Nothing is certain in life and you have to take the hits as life throws them at you. No I don't have a job yet. Yes I am trying and looking every day. No it's not easy. Yes it's what I want. No I'm not doing what I love. But I am where I love. Leaving behind family, friends and Benjamin has been hard, but their support it keeping me strong through this life changing adventure. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. I am home.